The Holly and the Ivy
by OnTheArrow
Summary: Where Kelly throws a Christmas party, Kasumi and Zaeed are at each other's throats, and Grunt is Santa Claus. Shamelessly Shoker. Rated T for rude and un-christmassy language!
1. Chapter 1

Tali stood in front of her touchscreen in the Engineering Deck, her fingers deftly jumped around the display. She kept her eyes fixed on the monitor, trying her best to appear entirely absorbed in her work. In truth, she was shamelessly eavesdropping on the bickering engineers that shared the deck with her.

Since Shepard had given in to Yeoman Chambers' insistent requests for a Christmas party on the Normandy, the quarian had spent some time on the Extranet trying to understand just what this "Christmas" thing was all about. She was quite amazed when she found out it was an occasion for humans to get together with family and share presents; further investigation into human customs seemed to suggest humans had a vast array of such occasions, such as birthdays, valentine's day, and something called "Easter". Back on the Flotilla, gifts were a rare thing, and most Quarians only ever received any when leaving on their Pilgrimage. Tali could barely contain her enthusiasm and curiosity; however, being the youngest member of the crew, she felt pressured to appear mature and professional.

In reality, she loved nothing more than to hang out on the Engineering Deck, pretending to be hard at work, listening to whatever Daniels and Donnelly had to say. She found their arguments most entertaining, and had already learned many human cuss words thanks to Kenneth. Every night, she would dutifully type up all she had learned on her datapad. This afternoon, they were chatting about tonight's Christmas celebration.

"So, what d'ya think Gardiner will cook tonight?" asked Gabby.

There was a pause, then Ken replied in a hazy, dreamy tone that was rather unusual for him.

"Ah, same old shite grub I expect. I'd love me some Cock-a-Leekie though. Maybe some Crannachan as pudding."

Tali didn't need to see Gabby's face to guess she was grimacing.

"Ugh. Do you Scots even _try_ to make your own food sound nice?" she inquired impatiently.

"No need to make it sound nice. The glorious taste speaks for itself!"

"Tastes like ass more oft than not."

Gabby loved to point out that Ken's national food tasted "like ass". Tali wondered whether it was a human custom to… taste each other's rears; so far, she hadn't had the courage to look THAT up on the Extranet.  
She heard a muffled thump as Donnelly kicked Daniels, who protested slightly while chuckling. Then Kenneth's voice came back, although this time it was a barely audible whisper.

"Anyway, I wouldn't mind me a piece o'that under the Christmas tree, if y'know what I mean."

Tali knew he was talking about her; he often made lewd comments about the Normandy's female crew members. Save for Shepard. Even an airhead like Ken knew it'd be best to avoid that, so long as he wished to live a long, happy life.

"You are _such_ a perv. You know she can hear you, right? Besides, she's the Commander's little protegée: you'd have to walk over her dead body to…"

Tali never heard what Kenneth would need to walk over Shepard's body to do. Gabby's voice trailed off as angry voices came from the corridor. The sensors picked up on the movement outside the Engineering Deck, and the automatic door slid open, revealing the source of the ruckus: Zaeed was walking purposefully towards the elevator, his features distorted by rage, his voice thundering.

"Goto, you sneaky little shit!" he shouted in anger, barely noticing the three engineers that were now staring at him. "I will murder you, I swear to God almighty!"

Surprised as she was, it took Tali a few seconds to realise that a sparkly garland was hanging loosely off of Massani's shoulders. _That's… unusual._ She thought. It took a few more seconds for the quarian to notice that his gun was drawn out, and that he seemed ready to shoot at any given moment. In a panic, she fumbled with her ear piece, hoping that she could reach the Commander in time.

"Uh, Shepard? Something's going on. You better come see this."

* * *

Aemilia Shepard was utterly bored.  
She had spent the past few months on an emotional rollercoaster, hopping from system to system, all guns blazing, piecing together the ragtag crew of assassins and hopeless misfits that would help her take down the Collectors once and for all.

They were so close. The crew was ready and, according to EDI, the Normandy was running at optimum capacity. But Chambers had been _so_ dead-set on her little party.

She had first suggested it when Aemilia asked her about the crew's morale.

"There is nothing unusual to report." Kelly assured her with her usual cheerful smile. "A lot of excitement, some anxiety. That's to be expected. However… you know, it _is_ almost Christmas. And this could be the last one we get to enjoy."

At first the Commander shook her head. They needed to put an end to the Collector's threat sooner rather than later; there was no time for such frivolities. However, as she strolled about the crew's quarters, she had often overheard her midship crew members moaning over the fact they wouldn't be spending the festivities with their families and friends.

Shepard had tried her damnest to ignore the pangs of guilt she felt every time she overheard such comments; she lasted about three days. On the fourth, she went to Chambers and, defeated, agreed to the party.

Barely two days had passed, and Shepard was bored as hell.  
She spent her time restlessly pacing around the ship, dreaming she was on some uncharted planet, blasting through hostiles with her trusted shotgun and happily blowing shit up. Instead, she was currently sat on a comfortable leather chair to her pilot's right, her eyes staring dreamily out of the window to the stars above. She was sat in a most un-ladylike position, slouched in the chair with one foot underneath her and the other tapping rhythmically against the hull in boredom.

"Uh, Commander? D'you mind? Trying to focus here."

She startled, and it took her a few moments to realise what he was on about, and why he was giving her that slightly desperate look. She grounded her feet, putting a stop to the incessant tapping, but not before she gave Joker a long, sour look for interrupting her daydreaming. She hoped that, maybe, it would start an argument: at the very least it may entertain her for a little while. Much to her dismay, the pilot shrugged briefly before silently returning to his flight simulation.

Bur she'd already decided she needed _some_ sort of distraction, so she kept staring at him, her eyes squinting in a feline manner. It didn't take long before Joker took notice and interrupted his simulation with a sigh.

"Don't blame me if we crash before even hitting the Omega-4 relay. I haven't had any practice since you moved in."

He adjusted his cap, giving Shepard a long, reproachful stare.

"You're ALWAYS here. Fidgeting. Twitching. _Staring_." He added impatiently.

"But I am _so_ bored!" she moaned, throwing back her head in despair. "I should have never agreed to that stupid party: we could have obliterated the Collectors by now. What if we lose another colony because we just couldn't skip fucking Christmas?"

Her voice had become unusually shrill, which Joker knew was an unmistakable sign that his Commander was under some sort of distress. He had known the woman long enough that he could easily interpret her moods.

The Council wasn't there to keep her in line anymore, and the Illusive Man was a complete maniac who loved and encouraged the Commander's tendency to make things explode around her. Since they started working for Cerberus, she had become more wild and unruly, voluntarily making rash decisions and compromising the mission just to make things more exciting.  
Part of him loved it: he had never truly forgiven himself for causing her untimely death. Even after Cerberus brought her back, he had been afraid she would never truly be herself again. But every time she'd return from some dangerous mission after barely escaping with her life, covered in blood, all ragged breaths and messy hair, she looked alive and crazed and dangerous, as she'd always been.

Shepard had always been a woman of action, and she obviously didn't cope well with peace and quiet. However, he felt like there was something more to it; Chamber's little party couldn't possibly be the only thing that was putting the Commander in such a state.

He fell quiet, and she almost instantly began rocking back and forth in her chair, her hands restlessly fumbling in turn with everything they could reach - her datapad, EDI's buttons, even a forgotten half-empty coffee mug. He instinctively reached out to her in annoyance, firmly grasping both her wrists in his hand and forcing her hands back on her lap; she shot him another murderous look.

"I stopped being afraid of that look a long time ago, Shepard." He pointed out with a grin. "I can't believe you cannot cope with a little down time; so you can either tell me why you are being such a Grinch, or start behaving like a normal person. Everyone loves Christmas!"

"I _am_ behaving like a normal person." She hissed. Her gaze was hard and cold, but he noticed that she had drawn her knees to her chest, hugging them in a defensive posture. He saw her assume that position a few times before, whenever his teasing would hit a soft spot: it was an unmistakable sign that something she'd rather not discuss had come up.

"We just don't have time for this." She continued. "The galaxy's going to shit and it all rests on the success of this…"

Her venting was cut short by a static noise in her ear; Tali's voice came through, sounding rather worried. There were loud banging noises in the background, and she could make out Massani's voice screaming rather un-christmassy profanities and cursing Kasumi at the top of his lungs. Shepard rolled her eyes but sprung to her feet at once, stretching her arms high above her head before walking towards the door. Joker swirled his chair around, cocking an eyebrow at the Commander.

"The kids are at it again." She explained with a half-smile.

"You got lucky." He sighed. "But I know something's amiss, Commander; I can read you like an open book!"

She grimaced at the sight of his presumptuous grin. If, like he kept claiming, he wasn't a "people person", how come he could always fucking tell when something was wrong with her? The thought irritated her to no end.


	2. Chapter 2

She was in a terrible mood by the time the elevator reached the Engineering Deck. She stormed out angrily, ready to punch that little shit Zaeed in his stupid face. The man was standing at the end of the corridor, holding Kasumi at gunpoint, and shouting vehemently at Tali. Donnelly and Daniels stood in a corner of the room, looking rather fearful; Kelly, who had been alerted by all the ruckus, was just coming up from the Mess Hall.

"Massani." Shepard stated. "Goto. What the hell is going on?"

Kasumi gave Zaeed a resentful look, and crossed her arms over her chest, pouting.

"I'll tell ya what the hell's going on, Shepard." the mercenary replied, his gun still pointed at Kasumi. "Bitch's been stalking me all morning, the sneaky little thief. Being stalked makes me twitchy; makes me feel like it's some merc standing behind me, waiting to put me down."

Kasumi glanced furtively towards Kelly, dropping her eyes again when she saw that Shepard had noticed. The Commander brought a hand to her face, massaging her right temple in annoyance.

"It was my fault Commander" Kelly broke in, looking strangely embarrassed. Shepard had heard the woman made all sorts of lewd comments about other crew members without even the shadow of a blush; shyness and embarrassment just didn't seem to be part of her personality. "I was keen to bring in some Christmas spirit, so I asked Kasumi to distribute Christmas apparel to the crew".

"Zaeed wouldn't wear any decorations." Kasumi added reproachfully. "So I thought I could be sneaky about it".

Shepard noticed the loose piece of golden tinsel hanging from Zaeed's shoulders and understood. She couldn't help a mocking smile as she addressed the mercenary.

"A piece of tinsel, Massani. Is it really worth shooting a bullet through our hull and doom us all to a slow and painful death?"

"I'll make her eat the damned thing if she ever comes near me again." He warned with a grimace, though he put his gun down with a resentful look on his face. "No way in hell I'm ending like our good friend Legion over there." He added as he headed back towards the cargo hold, muttering to himself in a low, angry voice.

Aemilia turned towards Kelly.

"What was that about Legion?" She asked reproachfully. Kelly was actually blushing this time, and Shepard expected the worse; she sighed.

"Show me, Chambers. The rest of you, dismissed."

* * *

The remaining crew quickly dispersed as Kelly and Shepard headed through the elevator to the Mess Hall. The Yeoman was growing restless as the elevator moved, ever so slowly, towards the Mess; she had good reason to be. Since their encounter on the Reaper IFF, where Legion had saved Shepard's life, the Commander had shown a particular fondness for the geth. She seemed to find him both fascinating and funny, and she had spent many hours down in the AI Core, chatting with the platform about God knows what. On the other hand, most crew members had initially been weary (Tali had suggested they throw him out the airlock on more than one occasion), and Aemilia had become rather protective towards the AI.

As the Mess' doors slid open, Kelly winced and glanced furtively at Shepard. Chambers had clearly spent a lot of time down in the Hall to put down all sorts of decorations: the tables were covered in festive tablecloths and dressed with lovely plates and glasses. Cheesy Christmas songs came out of EDI's terminal (Shepard wondered how the hell Kelly had convinced the AI to serve this somewhat humiliating purpose), and whatever Gardiner was cooking in the kitchen actually smelled edible. All of a sudden, Shepard gasped, and Kelly knew she had noticed the geth standing near the eastern wall.

The Commander's face was calm, but that only made her more terrifying.

"Kelly. Last time I checked, Legion was _not_ a Christmas tree".

The geth's body was covered in a multitude of festive magnets in the shape of red bows, little Santa faces, stars, reindeers and, of course, presents. Kelly walked towards him with an awkward smile on her face.

"But he doesn't mind! I asked of course, and he most kindly agreed to help me bring some Christmas cheer aboard the ship!"

Shepard raised an eyebrow inquisitively and turned to Legion.

"Is this true?" She asked the AI.

Legion didn't have facial features, so to speak, but the Commander could have sworn he looked particularly embarrassed. His head turned from Shepard to Kelly, and to Shepard again; the metallic plates on his head were slightly upturned, as if he were raising his eyebrows.

"We do not mind." he replied flatly. Shepard thought his voice sounded slightly unsure.

"Are you sure?" She pressed him, squinting slightly. "You will not get in trouble".

There was another hesitation from the geth. Then,

"We are… sure".

Kelly smiled broadly and hugged the AI tightly.

"See? I told you so, Commander!"

Legion seemed petrified at the gesture, but Kelly kept squeezing him. Shepard shrugged and gave the AI a slow, understanding pat on the shoulder before turning around. She suddenly felt tired, and wanted nothing more than to lie down on her bed for a little while, before having to go through the ordeal of Kelly's party.

She turned around slowly, hoping that she could steal a few hours for herself. Much to her dismay, she never made it past the sliding doors of the Mess. Grunt was hobbling down the corridor, which was highly unusual: the krogan normally kept to himself, and rarely left his hidey hole down in the Cargo. His outfit was even more unusual, Shepard remarked. She found herself staring, lips slightly parted in a silent gasp; she had to try her hardest not to laugh, as it would surely mean certain death, even for her.  
The young krogan was wearing a ridiculously oversized Santa's hat; a white, luscious white beard covered his mouth. His body was covered by his usual armour, but a huge red cape hung loosely off his shoulders. Shepard stood in silence, unable to speak a word.

"Aha!" She heard Kasumi's victorious voice behind her and startled. The thief had the unnerving habit of sneaking out on people, and no-one, including Shepard, ever heard her coming. "How wonderful! You truly look the part Grunt. You're every bit as ferocious as your human counterpart!".

She gave Shepard a meaningful look, but the Commander had no idea what it was supposed to mean. It was Grunt who provided an explanation, his deep voice filled with something that sounded a lot like pride.

"Shepard. It is a great honour to wear the clothes of the great human warrior Santa Claus. Kasumi said humans fear him so much that they hold this festivity each year to honour him, so that he will not destroy your planet Earth."

"Oh, Kasumi, for the love of God…" Shepard started, but the thief jumped at her and firmly pressed her palm to the Commander's mouth, muffling her words.

"Kelly made me do it" She whispered. "She pays good money. Now stay quiet before the krogan eats me." She smiled purposefully at the unaware Grunt, then grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the others.

"We will meet in the Mess at seven! Oh, and Kelly said strictly no uniform!" The thief's voice trailed off as she dragged Grunt away from her.

 _Great_. Shepard thought.  
She didn't own anything that wasn't a uniform, not since the SR1 had gone down in flames. And even then, there was nothing in her wardrobe fit for a party. She reluctantly dragged herself towards her quarters, hoping to find something even remotely fit for purpose; this party was going to be a _disaster_.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh. Hey."

A feminine voice called out as Shepard stepped out of the elevator. Surprised, she surveyed the corridor leading to her private quarters. It was usually deserted, but it looked as if Jack had decided to move in: she was perched on top of the large bag that she had left Purgatory with (which, Shepard guessed, contained all of her belongings) and was taking a long drag from what looked like a smokeless cigarette. Shepard had seen the likes of those before: old-timey tobacco cigarettes had their high-tech equivalent within Council space. They didn't need to be lit on fire, and didn't produce harmful smoke, so they could be used within closed spaces such as ships and space stations.

"Fancy seeing you here." Shepard remarked, not unkindly.

"It's a fucking freak show down there; like they've all gone soft in the head." Jack shuddered. Two large beer bottles laid empty at her feet, and she held a third in her hand.

"Tell me about it" Shepard sighed "I'd be surprised if we can get through Christmas without a few casualties".

"Oh, I wouldn't mind some; it would be just like old times" Her lips parted in a wicked smile.  
Aemilia gave her a funny look which Jack dismissed by waving her hand at her. "Just kidding. Relax."

"Would that I could" Shepard replied before slowly lowering herself until she was sat on the floor next to the other woman. Her hand darted upwards, snatching the techy cigarette hanging loosely from the corner of Jack's mouth and taking it to her own lips. The Commander took a slow, long drag, while the biotic resentfully reached into her packet for another one.

"Didn't know you were a smoker" Jack pointed out.

"I'm not. Usually. Just… sometimes" The other woman nodded in understanding, and Shepard relaxed slightly. She had always liked Jack (murderous tendencies aside), and found her silent, sulking presence somewhat enjoyable.

"Kelly _decorated_ Legion. He let her though; I think he was trying to make her happy. Pretty crazy."

Jack scowled.

"I swear, that machine's more human than most humans I've met".

Shepard nodded. "Damn party's driving me insane though. Worst decision ever"

"Mh. I guess it's good for morale. Well, _their_ morale at least" She waved in a downward motion at the Decks underneath. "Knowing Kelly, alcohol will be flowing too. This could be the time you and your dumbass helmsman finally get some closure."

Shepard stared at Jack in disbelief, her emerald eyes wide open.

"We… What?" Was all she managed to mutter. Instinctively, she drew her knees to her chest, praying to God almighty that she had simply misinterpreted the other woman's words.

"Oh, cut the crap Shepard. We're both fully grown women. The tension between you two is driving us all insane..."

"There is no tension!" Shepard protested, her voice slightly shrill. She felt a rush of panic creep in slowly. Did her whole damn crew feel that way about them? The idea was beyond embarrassing; she seriously hoped Jack was shitting her. "Besides, it would be against regs." She protested feebly.

The other woman laughed bitterly.

"Ha! 'Cause you care so much about regs Shepard! Hell, you're technically not even Alliance anymore!" She shrugged. "Look, it's none of my business, but the way I see it, we'll probably all be dead in a few days. Getting laid while you still can wouldn't hurt".

"I knew recruiting you was a bad idea" Aemilia hissed, her emerald eyes now glued to the floor. "Besides, that's no way to address a superior officer. You will behave, or I may choose to deliver you to C-Sec; I bet they'd love to have you."

"Whatever" Jack bit back, sounding somewhat hurt.

"Now scurry off before I change my mind".

The tattooed woman stood up rigidly, picked up her bag and made for the elevator. Before she could press the button, however, Shepard's voice echoed again. She sounded almost apologetic and she offered the biotic a tentative smile.

"Say, Jack. Got anything in that bag I could borrow for tonight?".


	4. Chapter 4

Aemilia stood in front of her bedroom's mirror. Her quarters were awfully silent, except for the quiet bubbling noises coming from her fish tank. She gazed at the aquatic animals swimming peacefully and, for a moment, wished she could herself be a small, insignificant fish, floating around peacefully.

 _Fish don't have to go to stupid parties_ , she thought. _And neither do I._ _My ship, my rules._

And yet, she decided to ignore that last thought. Deep down, she longed for some distraction from the hell she'd been through. She had faced the Council's derision at the mention of the Reapers. She'd been called delusional, and a liar, even after sacrificing human lives to save the Council's scaly asses. She had gone down with her ship, and had been dead for two years before being revived by the terroristic organisation she now somehow worked for. Perhaps Jack was right; perhaps she deserved some distraction.

However, looking at her reflection in the mirror, she doubted she'd be able to join the others down in the Mess. She had rarely worn anything that wasn't military clothing (at least not since she had enrolled with the Alliance at the age of eighteen) and felt extremely uncomfortable. The short black dress she had obtained from Jack made her look less than respectable. The bottom end was way too short, leaving her lean legs mostly naked, while the bust was in the shape of a corset and hugged her curves way too tightly. She had made the mistake of letting the biotic do her make-up too (after downing a couple of large beers), and found herself regretting it.

 _If mom could see me now… she'd lock me up in my room for a week_ , she thought, before waving the thought away: her mother was long gone, just like her father, family and friends. She plopped herself on the sofa with a sigh. Christmas was an occasion for humans to reunite with their loved ones; but she had no family, not anymore. She pulled her feet up on the sofa, hugging her knees tightly, as unbidden memories came rushing in.

It had been almost Christmas when the batarians raided Mindoir, she recalled.  
During the cold winter months, her family would grow parsnips, beets and other winter vegetables. She would help out in the fields every day after school; before dinner, she'd jump on their draft mare, bareback and bare-footed, and gallop around the farm until it was dark and her mother was screaming for her to come back. Every week-end, they'd sell their produce to colonists and traders alike. The market would bustle with stands selling mulled wine, aromatic herbs and honey pots, plus a myriad of products straight from Earth. Her mother would often take her and her sister for a walk, and they would wander among the stalls, tasting all of the free food samples and admiring the Christmas lights.

If the week had been good, and they could afford it, their mother would buy a glass of warm mulled wine that the three of them would share sitting on a snowy bench.  
The colony was relatively poor, and most would have found it a rather unattractive planet. But to her, it was home; the only home she ever had – apart for the Normandy.

The party was long forgotten, and her heart was suddenly heavy.  
In an almost mechanical gesture, and without truly realising what she was doing, she fumbled with her earpiece. For a few seconds, she heard only static, and almost hoped he wouldn't pick up the call. What on Earth was she going to say to him anyway? That his Commander was a big cry-baby who missed her mommy? Her panic was cut short by the familiar voice at the other end of the line.

"Hey Commander. Missed me already?"

She could tell he was grinning, and wished she could punch him in the face.; she hated that all-knowing, cocky grin on his.

"Shut it." she hissed, and the pilot, for once, did as he was bid. "I'm surprised you haven't hobbled down to the Mess yet. It's half past seven: Kelly won't be pleased"

"Right back at ya" he replied simply.

"Maybe I'm not going. Maybe I decided it was a terrible idea after all".

"Quit being such a wuss! Look, we'll probably all be Reaper kibble soon enough; we may as well enjoy what little freedom we have left. Besides-"

"Come up." She cut him short. "No way I'm going down there on my own".

There was a pause, before Joker's laughing voice came through again. He let out a sarcastic sigh before replying,

"Jeez, what would you do without me Shep?"

She shrugged.

"Ask Garrus, probably".

"Well, it's good to know that I'm expendable. Guess I'll come to the rescue. But just this once, Commander!"

He shut off the comms, and her room was silent again. She felt her heartbeat quicken as she realised what she'd just done. As long as she could remember, Aemilia always hated the idea of opening up to anyone. She had always tried her best to keep her weaknesses to herself. Maybe that's why she'd always done good in the military; she appeared to be such a fucking tough cookie, even when the galaxy's fate rested upon her shoulders and she had no idea what to do or where to start.

That idiot Moreau never fell for it though; he always seemed to know when she was angry, hopeless or scared. He would see straight past her stern face, and take note of all the little signs that betrayed her moods. It drove her absolutely insane. Hell, it was probably a really bad idea to call on him; it would only make her angrier. She raised her hand to her earpiece again, ready to call off their meeting. Shepard realised she was too late when EDI's hologram materialised in the corner of her room.

"Shepard. Mr. Moreau is requesting access to your quarters." She announced flatly.

"Yes. Let him in, EDI."

The AI disappeared as the doors slid open.  
There stood Joker, gaping slightly at the sight of her quarters.

"Shit, Shepard! Your place's huge! The perks of being the Commander, huh."

She blinked at him silently, realising she hadn't moved since she'd sat on the sofa 20 minutes ago. She looked miserable and pathetic, still hugging her knees like some frightened child. If Jeff noticed, he made no mention of it. He let himself in, walking slowly towards her. He too had complied to Kelly's dress code: instead of his usual uniform, he was sporting a pair of jeans and a red and green Christmas sweater. It took her a few moments to realise that the cutesy reindeers on it were… well… doing it. A quiet, breathy laugh escaped from her lips. Joker stopped gaping over her quarters and shifter his gaze towards her.

"And… what the hell happened to your face?" his expression was a strange mix of curiousness and concern.

"Jack." She explained, but Joker simply raised his eyebrows, encouraging her to go on. "It's this stupid party thing! It's supposed to be a celebration, so I thought… I figured… Ah, forget it." she concluded sharply.

* * *

Chuckling, he raised his hands innocently.

"Hey, I think you look great. You didn't need to paint your face just to impress little old me, though" he joked.

But the Commander was sulking again, and his remark failed to make her smile. He sighed in resignation. This whole Christmas thing seemed to have ruined her moods terribly. He had no idea why the idea of a party for herself and the crew had such an impact on her. His silly jokes didn't amuse her anymore, and even his naughty Christmas jumper barely got a laugh out of her. This wasn't the Shepard he knew; this new Shepard scared him. She was bleak and lifeless, as if Cerberus never managed to really bring her back. He had spent too many sleepless nights, back when Miranda had told him about Project Lazarus, dreading the possibility. Joker shook his head, chasing his thoughts away. Cerberus had brought her back, just as she ever was: trigger-happy, dangerous, and full of life. This was obviously just a bad moment for her; had to be.

Hesitantly, the pilot made his way to the sofa where the Commander was sat, gently sitting himself next to her. He was silent for a while, thinking carefully about his next words. He didn't want to risk making Shepard angrier – he very much enjoyed living and fully intended to live a long, fulfilling life. _That is, until the Reapers eat us, or whatever it is the fuckers do to humans._

"Look, I…" Joker started hesitantly "Maybe I'm just a big kid, but not loving Christmas is weird, Shep. It's like not loving lasagna… Everyone loves lasagna, right?"

Shepard snorted quietly. She still wasn't smiling though, Joker observed.

"Is this.." he waved his hands at her in an exaggerated gesture "…because of what happened on Mindoir?"

Silence. He was shitting himself. He had dropped the M-bomb, something no-one on the Normandy had ever dared doing; except for that bitch Miranda, and she almost ended up smeared on the wall. Shepard had never brought the topic up, though she had shared bits of her old life with him before.

He knew she had a sister with thick brown hair that she'd always been jealous of, since her own hair was rather fine and auburn instead, like her father's. He also knew she used to live on a farm, and loved horses: they didn't have any on Tiptree, so he'd never been next to one himself. Shepard would tell him all about them, which was kind of sweet. She had never spoken about the raid though, not told him how she got out alive. Aemilia was nodding slowly, and he pressed her on.

"Wanna share?" he asked tentatively.

Shepard finally looked at him, and the pained expression on her face made his heart sink. She had always been their rock, pushing them at all times, forcing them to survive, to fight, to not give in… and now she was crumbling before his very eyes.  
When she spoke, her voice was quiet, barely a whisper.

"I killed them Joker. Mom, and Sam too. It was me"

He shook his head in disbelief.

"No, Shepard, no way. Look, whatever you think you've done to cause their death… it's all in your head. It wasn't your fault; the batarians…"

" _I_ DID IT!" She shouted suddenly, startling him. Her big emerald eyes were reddening, but there were no tears. She looked angry though, and for a split second he thought she would hurt him.

"I did it." She said again, quietly this time. "First hey got dad; we were hiding out in the house but he was just coming back from the fields. They took him, but he fought; he fought so much they put a bullet in his head." Her voice broke, and Joker shifted uneasily next to her, suddenly at a loss for words.

"We were hiding, but they found us soon enough. They tried to get to me and Sam… they tried but mom screamed and wouldn't let us go. One of them shot her in the leg, then in the arm. There was blood and she… she screamed… so _fucking_ loudly Jeff, and I… I panicked."

There was another pause. Joker's mind felt numb and empty; he knew the Commander had gone through some shit. They all had. But this…

"I didn't mean for the Shockwave to just blow up everything around me; I didn't even mean to use my biotics I just… I lost control, and I killed them all. It was me."

Her voice was more assured now, as if telling the story made her feel better somehow.

"I… it… It wasn't your fault Shepard. You must know that." He felt like such an idiot. He had no idea what to say, or what to do, to make her feel better. _Alenko would have known_ , he though bitterly, feeling utterly useless. The man always had a way with words; he was a people's person. Joker wasn't. But the Commander smiled feebly at him, and suddenly it was a different kind of tightness he could feel in his chest.

"I know. I guess I've accepted it. It wasn't easy, but I have to live with it. It's just… the whole Christmas thing, it's a bit much. It makes me remember; so I usually prefer to avoid it." She explained.

"I bet" was all he managed to utter. He longed to make her feel better, to make her feel safe. But he was no good at this kind of thing. He voiced his concern.

"Why are you telling me this? Kelly is our Counsellor. I'm sure she-" his voice trailed off. Shepard's face was suddenly ridiculously close to his. He looked back at her, with wonder and suspicion. She'd always been beautiful, but the expression she wore now was just… something else. Her emerald eyes were full of mixed emotion – a mix of sadness, despair, and avid lust.

"I needed…" she whispered, and he felt a shudder down his spine. His heart raced and seemed to come to a stop when she pressed her lips to his. Joker's mind was numb and fuzzy and she was beautiful and _Oh God_ , he was shuddering again. Petrified as he was, he didn't manage to move a muscle until Shepard withdrew, looking deeply embarrassed. She was blushing, her lips slightly parted and her hair messy.

"I'm sorry, I…" Her hands fumbled with his jumper for a few seconds, before she composed herself and let out a nervous chuckle. "Guess this whole thing really screwed with my head. You're dismissed, Moreau. Go see the others; I won't be much longer."

He seemed unable to formulate even the simplest of thoughts, and apparently he had now also lost the ability to speak. _Great_. He raised to his feet slowly, muttering something to himself while his legs seemed to move on their own accord towards the door.

* * *

He was in the elevator to the Mess when his brain suddenly decided to start functioning again. Realising what had just happened, he felt his eyes widen and his heart sink. _Such a fucking idiot_ , he mumbled, and punched the cold elevator wall with his fist in a surge of rage.

"Ouch!" he shouted in anger.

He stared at his hand awkwardly for a few seconds as the elevator's doors slid open. _She kissed me_ , he thought helplessly. _She kissed me, and she needed me, and I left her_. Suddenly, he panicked. He swirled around into the elevator and started pushing the "Up" button like a maniac.

"You will find one push is enough. " EDI's voice echoed through the elevator.

"YES, EDI, WHATEVER!" he shouted angrily. "Just get me the fuck up there!"

"Getting you _the fuck up there_ , Mr. Moreau." the AI mused sarcastically.

"Stupid machine" muttered Joker.

Luckily she hadn't locked the door yet, and he found her exactly where he'd left her a few minutes ago. She didn't look angry, just concerned. She furrowed her brow in an inquisitive manner.

"Joker?"

"Look, I'm sorry" he blurted. "I had no idea what was going on, no idea what the fuck you were thinking and… I mean, shit Shepard! You are… well… you! The hero! The great leader! Humanity's salvation! And I am…"

"The best damn helmsman in the Alliance fleet?" she rose to her feet, smiling and slowly walking towards him. Her eyes still looked sad, but she seemed more herself now.

"I was gonna say the pilot with the creaky legs." he answered, a hint of desperation in his voice. "Look, I get it, you're vulnerable, and Alenko isn't here, but you're clearly making a mistake!".

She was standing right in front of him again, and grimaced at the mention of the Major.

"What does Alenko have to do with this?" she pursed her lips in annoyance like some child who had just been denied an ice-cream cone. "It's you I wanted".

 _Oh, fuck it_ , he thought silencing the voices in his heard screaming that this was Shepard, his Commanding Officer, and that this was a terrible idea. He grabbed her shoulder almost desperately, pulling her to him and kissing her soft, insolent lips. He grew bolder as the Commander reciprocated, holding her body against his and deepening the kiss. They were both breathless and flushed when they separated again, and the look Shepard gave him was loving and mischievous. Adorable. She was adorable. He grinned like an idiot.

"Merry Christmas." she said, and Joker could have sworn that in all the time he'd known her, she'd never looked so damn happy.


End file.
